Eulogy For Ellie

_A Celebration Of Life & A Compelling Reason To Move Forward

_ As I write this, I am reminded that there's tremendous beauty in pain, for which the absence of, would render all of life's joys void of context and meaning.

From now until my final breath you will be the context that gives meaning to the joys I experience and urgency to the relationships I hold. I love you 3000infinity*An Inaccessible Cardinal \ 55

I'd like to start by sharing a quote that I think captures the spirit of how Ellie would like to be remembered.

So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless, that we have no more appropriate sword with which to face them other than laughter. ---Gordon W. Allport

Dearest Ellie,

I thought you might like to know that as I write this, I am sharing my embarrassingly musky twin sized mattress with Justin and Nia, it is on the floor now; this allowed us to achieve a sort of equilibrium of dangled limbs where we both fit without Nia insisting either of us be relegated to the fetal position in order to accommodate her preference for the center of the mattress.

Currently, Justin is snoring... decidedly louder than Papa could ever hope to, and Nia is looking at him in irritated contemplation of whether or not sitting between his upper chest and lower neck will be enough to achieve the peace and quiet she so desires.

Personally, I am eager for her to discover the answer to be a resounding yes.

(I shit you not, as I typed that last sentence, Justin just farted) ... aggressively... I might add...

please ignore your impulse to cringe;

Know that his flatulence comes as a huge relief to me, having spent the last 5 hours fighting a doomed-from-the-start battle with the vengeful ghosts of a large order of chicken broccoli.

it just happened again...albeit not as assertively as the first fart.

Soon, I will join him in this undignified cacophony of unconscious Chinese food farts; each of which will then proceed be inspected for it's potential to be undiscovered human food by the veritable sherlock bones lying beside me.

Nia's desire to snuggle both of us has placed her directly in the line of fire.

I cannot deny that I feel immeasurable loss, & and unquenchable frustration in the brief moments I spend between suspended disbelief, but the one sorrow your loss has yet to inflict has been a feeling of being alone.

Everyone has done everything in their power to be what each other needs.

I thought it would be particularly comforting for you to know that Justin and I agree we both feel the most at ease when it's just the three of us in a room with old episodes of community on in the background to drown out the sound of the outside world.

He loved and continues to love you more than you could have possibly imagined in your wildest dreams of a happily ever after.

I wish more often than anything else I even think about, that I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can see how strong he has been for you and our family.

I so desperately wish I could have one last conversation with you to tell you that he is without question our parent's son, and my brother, and that Nia is going to be given the happiest most spoiled life the four of us can give her without compromising her health, I've seen Papa let her lick his face, nothing makes sense anymore.

It is this wish that keeps me up at night; past skepticism of an afterlife aside, I know that this will forever be my most sincerely held prayer.

Here now in this tiny, stinky bed, with Nia and my new brother, I feel hope more deeply than I feel sorrow.

To have you back is the only prize I would even entertain the possibility of trading for this moment...it's so beautifully painfully imperfect.

Ellie has for as long as I can remember been my big sister. From asking "Ellie when my birthday is" in elementary school when she had memorized everyone's, and I had yet to know my own... to calling her a month ago when I couldn't remember my father's year of birth while picking up a script for him; Ellie was always the adult that I couldn't be growing up.

I have a million things I could recount or reminisce on in the spirit of Ellie's remembrance, but I doubt that is how she would want to be memorialized.

Instead, I suspect Ellie would like to be remembered and more importantly celebrated not by comical stories told today but instead by the lives we lead in her absence.

Live and love with reckless abandon, even if your family would prefer you didn't, be unashamedly steadfast in the beliefs you hold to be true, (even if she would have disagreed with them). I can assure you she would do the same.

Adopt a rescue pup, not only for Ellie but also to save a little piece of your inner self that was slowly dying in the adult world

Allow the lines between friends and family to blur... I am grateful for Nia, Justin and all the support of my friends and family, but the most surprising aftermath of Ellie's passing to me was seeing the extended family she had built of friends who's love and dedication are on display not only today but I suspect for as long as they live.

If that doesn't constitute family, than I think family is a meaningless word.

If you take nothing else from today just know that Ellie loved you, and she would want you to love her back in the poise with which you live your life rather than the sorrow in which you mourn her death.

I love you so much Ellie, I don't know how to live without you but I owe it to you to find out.